Isn’t it actually such a good word. DEPRESSED. You are weighted and pressed down by this
weight. You are smaller, compressed,
squashed. You are DE-Pressed. I have
suspected for some time now that I am depressed. For many months in fact. I bet some of you are surprised. Anxiety is my thing right? Not Depression. I am positive, energized, I exercise, I am
goal driven, I have done 3 triathlons in the past year and next week this time
I am busy with my 4th. I am
studying and planning. I am not the
typical sleep all day no energy depressive with smelly pits and greasy hair .
Yet I feel such hopelessness sometimes and terribly,
terribly tired at the thought of being around for the next 40 years. Foreign I know, believe you me I cannot
believe this is ME writing this. The
good news is I thought it was just my Dystonia.
It’s really painful at times and so far no medication has helped. When we go through tough or dark times we
know that ‘this too shall pass’ but for me, I don’t know that. So far my Dystonia is a life long sentence. A sentence I unwittingly brought upon myself
by taking the meds in August 2012. I
f*cked it up. I could have got through
that nightmare phase post no Singapore by myself. I thought I was being brave and clever by seeking
help. Oh to turn back the clock. I am sure so many people make that statement.
So the reality must be faced and I have a plan. I do think my medication Redilev is making me
depressed though. This is actually good
news. He has me doubled up the past 2 weeks
to see if it will help the spasms but now that I think it is a major
contributor to my depression I am going back to one and then to half and then
off. I see botox guy in May even though
my neuro is not keen. I just need a 2nd
opinion. I see Deep Brain Stimulation
guy in June which is a radical procedure but desperation calls for radical
measures. And then if nothing works, if
this is my lifelong sentence, I see the clinical psychologist to teach me how
to live with this debilitating painful condition and still stay positive and
enjoy my life and my family. I feel
sorry for Gary having to live with me. He
doesn’t know what to do. In sickness
and in health can be a tough sentence.
I wish I was PMS right now, something to blame. I have to say doing my daily Gratitude posts
on FB is a great help in keeping positive each day. I plan on doing it for 100 days and started
the 1st of April. The 2nd
of April was my darkest day and my turning point. I am a fighter. I will not let depression steal my life. I will not let it smother me and destroy me. I will crawl and limp and push against this
weight until I break through the other side and take that huge breath of air so
I can see the sun again. God says His
power is made perfect in our weakness.
This feels like a spiritual battle for my very soul. I sound like a drama queen, yuck. I am sorry, I don’t want to be this attention
seeking junkie full of melodrama. Just
read this, my name is Melanie and I am suffering from depression. It’s time to turn this around.
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